Picaroons Guy Reports: Seaport Beerfest

(Photo Courtsey Seaport Beerfest)

Beer…on a pier. What a grand idea. The 4th annual Seaport Beerfest, the largest beer event in Atlantic Canada, dropped anchor at Halifax’s historic Seaport District on August 13-15. And since we were planning on invading Nova Scotia soon anyways, we decided to head on over and take a looksy. So, sleep deprived but heavily caffeinated, Esty, P and I jumped in the Beermobile and headed east.

Being the modest, hardworking brewers that we are, the squadron of giant, helium-filled balloons hovering over the festival grounds confused us. At first we thought it must be a hot air balloon convention, then P noticed the insignia of our fiercest competitor, Hose Head Beer, plastered all over one of the flying monstrosities.

“Eeeeek! It’s Armageddon,” he shouted. “Hose Head knows we’re coming. We need to prepare a counter attack.” P’s piercing scream caused me to swerve hard to the right. It took me a second or two to regain my composure.

“Relax, P,” I said, “they’re not attacking us. I’ve seen these things before; they’re some sort of marketing gadgets.” P seemed confused. “You know, P, like short men in elevator shoes,” said Esty, in his usual calming voice. “It makes them feel better.” “Oh,” said P. He still seemed confused and I can’t say I blamed him. I pulled the Beermobile back onto the street and headed straight for the gate.

The first order of business was to decide what beer to serve. Esty grabbed the Picaroons Crowd Analyzer from the back of the Beermobile and waved it from left to right across the general direction of the crowd. It clicked and coughed for a few seconds then displayed the following message on the screen: CROWD SIZE – Large, CROWD TEMPERMENT – Thirsty, CROWD EMOTION – Unfulfilled. We looked at one another, then shouted out in unison: “MELON HEAD!!!”

It didn’t take long for the crowd to catch on that something special was on tap. Melon Head was a hit. We couldn’t pour it fast enough. It was hot and people were thirsty. “Geeze, the Melon’s going fast, boys” said P. “We’re gonna run out.” The line up was already huge, and getting bigger by the second, but things didn’t quite add up. According to the Picaroons Crowd Analyzer, there was enough Melon Head to last the whole event—even at this pace. But we were down to our last keg and the crowd was getting edgy.

I placed a call to our resident sleuth, Tasha, back at the brew house. “Is Esty drinking it, perhaps?” was her first question. “No, Esty’s into the Yippee. The Melon keeps him up,” I said. Tasha paused, then asked me to activate the Picaroons Video Surveillance System. “I need to see what’s going on there,” she said.

“Wow, those balloons are big,” said Tasha. “Hey, have you guys noticed that the Hose Head one seems to be growing?” I decided to keep this to myself. “What are you talking about?” I whispered. “The Hose Head balloon, it’s getting bigger,” she said.

I looked over at the big Barney-like beer bottle and noticed it was pulsating, as if someone was pumping air into it. It was getting bigger. “You’re right, Tasha. I’m going to send Esty over to check things out.” She paused again, and then wished us luck.

“Esty!!!” I shouted. “Prepare for reconnaissance mission!” Within seconds Esty jumped out of the back of the Beermobile dressed in full Picaroons tactical attire: jeans and a t-shirt. It’s always important to blend.

He scrambled towards me at full speed: a Picaroons in one hand and a donair in the other. I was reminded of John Belushi’s food-fight scene from Animal House and immediately decided to send P instead. But just as I was about to call off Esty and call in P, Esty went airborne and landed face first on the ground in front of me. He didn’t spill a drop.

“What was that?” Esty cried out. “Hey, it’s a fire hose, and it’s hooked up directly to our Melon Head kegs,” I said. “P, follow that hose.” P army-crawled along the full length of the hose. It led right to the Hose Head balloon. We were being beer-rustled. This called for a strong, unflinching response. “Esty!!! Prepare the Picaroons Piñata Stick!” Then P shouted out, “We’re out of melon.” The crowd was despondent, and we were in big trouble.

Nothing makes a head brewer angrier than a beer rustler, and so armed with the piñata stick and a steaming hot gyro, Esty exited the Beermobile and charged. In all the excitement he must have forgotten about the hose and before he knew what was happening was airborne once again.

The piñata stick bounced across the pavement before coming to a rest against the Corona booth. Esty landed hard. But the donair flew straight at its intended prey, striking with a thump. The hot, sticky sauce splattered against the big purple monster. As it slid slowly downwards, it began to sizzle, then…KABOOM!!!

The Melon Head sprayed from the balloon like a geyser. The crowd began to dance and rejoice. It was Old Faithful meets the ice cream man. It was…wonderful. The purple monster crumpled in a heap of failure and humiliation. The crowd picked up Esty and surfed him across the festival grounds. P and I even found it in our hearts to patch the Hose Head balloon—with some much needed alterations of course.

Thanks to everyone at Make it Happen & the Seaport team for an enjoyable weekend. Good times! And Hose Head, you know we love ya…

Oh, farewell to Nova Scotia, you sea-bound coast,

The Picaroons Guy